Valuing our children

I've been thinking a lot lately about discipline, especially since my 2 1/2 year old daughter has needed more of it in the past couple months.  In a culture where the concept of disciplining is not well understood, I think that it's important to really reflect on how it shapes our kids.   We should think about why it's important and how to do it well.

I often see in the culture around me a reluctance to discipline children.  Some parents are too afraid.  They fear that their child will resent them, withdraw from them, hit another person in anger because of spankings, or even that the parent themselves would somehow be sinning by cracking down on poor behavior.  The child may have been through a tough time, so the parent avoids discipline in order to spare them from anymore sadness.  It makes us nervous that somehow our children will hate us or not want to be with us because we don't let them get away with the behavior they know to be wrong.  This fear is understandable because as parents we never want to hurt our relationship with our children.  I would argue, however, that a lack of discipline is actually what will cause that break in the relationship.

Some parents don't discipline because of laziness, or rather, exhaustion.  Long nights of being awake, a toddler relentlessly saying, "no" or hitting you as you hold them, having to give the same warning or instruction for the umpteenth time.  We've all been there, wanting to let the behavior slide, just this one time, because we physically can't pull ourselves off of the couch to deal with the misbehavior again.  Maybe if we ignore it, it will just go away?  I don't think that's the case.  We have to understand that being a parent is, in many ways, a job.  One that we absolutely love and cherish, but a "job" in the sense that it is hard work!  It will be tiring, and there will be days where you don't feel like doing it.  But we have to keep the bigger picture in mind, that we are, in every decision, shaping the lives of the people we have brought (or adopted) into this world.

If you work outside of the house, you might be fired (or not re-hired), or receive a bad reputation for slacking off because you are consistently too tired to perform your duties.  When raising children, not understanding the need to continue discipline, despite being exhausted or exasperated, has slower and less obvious affects.  It can lead to a lack of respect toward the parents and disfunction later in life.  It can also damage the relationship between parent and child.  The child doesn't take their parent seriously, so they don't obey, leaving mom and dad completely worn out and at their wits end.  It's no longer enjoyable to be with their kids because it's always a fight.  Then, slowly, mom and dad lose hope.  We have to fight against our desire to give in to exhaustion.  It is a daily, moment-by-moment, intentional decision that we must make: to discipline our kids despite how we feel.

Some parents just don't know how to do it, or get discouraged when one method of discipline doesn't work.  "They won't sit in time-out, so what can I do?"  It can be a very frustrating time, especially with a child with a stronger personality.  Read up on the subject, try different methods to see what works, seek out mentors who know you and your children to give you advice, make sure both parents (if there are two) back each other up and are involved in the discipline, and don't give up.  

Although discipline is the focus of my thoughts in this blog, it cannot be talked about without bringing up love.  With every act of discipline, there must be affirmation.  For example, after disciplining our daughter, we get down on her level, look her in the eyes and tell her we love her.  We explain why the behavior was wrong, what we expect from her next time, and we ask for an apology.  We then give big kisses and hugs and tell her that she is our favorite first-born.  We tell her she is wonderful and we know she can listen to us next time.  She walks away from this with a positive attitude, wanting to play with us and snuggle with us.  It doesn't solve the problem right away, or even in a week, but little by little, we see her attitude and behavior being shaped into what will be a loving, wise, productive member of society.  And, most importantly to us, a woman who loves the Lord and strives to serve others.

It's also important to separate the behavior from the child; we disapprove of the behavior shown by our child, but we deeply, utterly love the child them-self.  They are special, uniquely designed by God for a purpose, and their personality is tailored by Him to be have a specific impact on this world.  We must find a way to correct their behavior while developing in our children a knowledge that they are loved and have value.

Discipline shows our children that we value them.  We love them and hold them high enough that we want them to have the absolute best opportunities in life that they can.  We insist that Gia doesn't argue with us so that when something really important happens, like asking her not to chase the ball into the street, she will listen and stay alive.  We insist that Gia obey us the first time so that she will obey God the first time.  Her obedience now will hopefully insure her willingness to listen to her mentors and teachers, and help her flourish in her career because she can respect her boss and do her job with humility and dignity.

Bobby and I have gained a lot wisdom from James Dobson, a child psychologist, founder of Focus on the Family and author of various child-rearing books.  We watched a video series of his when we were still living in NOLA, before we even had children.  One point that he said stuck with us and shapes how we discipline our kids: win the battle.  It doesn't matter what form of discipline you use (I mean, as long as it is humane): time-outs, taking away toys or treats, or reasonable spanking; the main thing is that you have to win the battle of whatever rules you have laid out.  We have changed our discipline methods for our daughter depending on her stage of life and what she responded to, but we have resolved to always win that battle.  She doesn't hate us; she adores us.  And, hopefully, she will appreciate that we have valued her enough to train her through consistent, sometimes exhausting discipline and love.