John 3:30 -The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend of the bridegroom stands by and listens for him, and is overjoyed to hear the bridegrooms voice. That joy is mine, and now it is complete. He must increase, I must decrease."
My husband often re-posts articles about how husbands can better love their wives. His heart is so focused on Jesus and his family that he sincerely tries to learn all he can about becoming a better husband and father. And in my sinful, selfish nature, I read the articles he posts wondering what it is he has learned about how to love me more.
Oh goodness. What he has learned about how to love me more. That's not right.
Everyone thinks of themselves first at times. We have all craved the love, respect and admiration of others, perhaps especially that of our husbands. But marriage is about learning to think of yourself less and your spouse more. It's an example of our relationship with Christ: Jesus gave up his life on earth to serve people and died on a cross bearing the horrible weight of our sin. We, in turn, give up our earthly desires and lives to do God's will because He is everything to us. This is the picture of marriage (or it should be). Our relationship with our husbands should exemplify our relationship with Christ.
So how can I serve my husband more with love and respect?
First and foremost, know who you are in Christ. Know who God is and be humble in living your life for Him. Realize who you are before a God who is merciful, holy, generous, just, and sanctifying. Understand that he loves you despite the sin you commit. You aren't perfect and never will be, but strive to live in humility, kindness, patience and selflessness.
Intentionally value his opinion. When my husband brings up a new idea or solution to a problem I'm having, my first response is often to think that my way is better. I have to remind myself to intentionally choose to stop talking and listen to his point of view, then carefully consider how his suggestion would play out. Sometimes I even need to think on it for a few hours before I come around to understanding that what he says is valid. My desire not to value my husbands opinion can come from a variety of wrong emotions: fear, selfishness, a woe-is-me attitude, or the need to control the situation. None of these emotions exhibit my love or respect for my husband. My husband is a smart man. The longer I'm married to him, the more I realize that he's right at least 1/2 the time. But that's not the reason I listen. While for me that is evidence enough to take what he says as important, I stop and listen because it values him and it brings glory to the Lord. This doesn't necessarily mean we always do things his way, but that I consider the way he feels about the situation as important.
Don't manipulate. Ask for what you need. Clearly define for him what you're feeling and tell him what it is you need or want. For example, if you want to eat out for dinner because you're just tired of cooking all the time, don't say to your husband, "I am so tired! The kids were crazy today and I haven't had anytime today to get things done. I haven't even had time to start dinner, so we might eat late." That doesn't tell him what you need. That tells him that you're frustrated at your whole day and are just discontent in general. You are hinting around in hopes that he will read between the lines. Instead, actually say, "I've had a really long day and I'm a bit overwhelmed. Could we order pizza tonight so I could have a break from cooking?" I know that my husband would typically not hesitate to say yes to this because he 1) loves pizza and 2) desires to do what he can to help me.
Listen. Really listen. Put away your phone and turn off the TV. Tell the kids to wait just a minute. Those dishes are not what's important. STOP and LISTEN to your husband's heart. Turn towards him. Look him in the eye. Lovingly touch his arm or hug him. This is the man that God has set in your life to care for you, guide your family, train up your children, help you make big decisions, provide financially, physically and emotionally. Treasure what he has to say and care about what's important to him.
Pray for him. If you aren't praying for your husband on a regular basis, start making it a priority. You alone can pray for him in the specific way he needs because you know him better than anyone. You know the sin he struggles with, the hardships he faces at work, the things he hopes for, the way he desires to serve God and others. Only you can come before the Lord on behalf of him in this way. And don't pray, "God, he's terrible. Make him do better." Really pray that the Lord would bless your husband and show him how to be a godly leader of your family. Pray also that you would demonstrate loving kindness towards him, giving him mercy, grace and forgiveness when he disappoints you.
Don't Compare him to someone else's husband. Everyone's husband has flaws, not just yours. While some may have less self-control over their flaws, every husband has them. Your husband is not going to be the same as your father, your friend's husband, your pastor, or the guy in the park playing with his kids. God created him uniquely, and with him as your life partner, the two of you will be a unique couple unlike any other. It doesn't really matter what those other men are like, because they aren't your husband. Don't bother dreaming about the way you see your neighbor's family behaving together, because you can't be in their family. Look towards your own husband and find the wonderful qualities that he possesses. Meditate on the ways that God can bless and use your family because of the way he's gifted your husband. If there is a biblical quality you feel is lacking in your husband, such as working hard or speaking kindly, ask the Lord to give him a desire to change his behavior. And perhaps pray for God to show you how to gently talk with him about it.
Take control of your expectations of him. I heard the Duggars say one time, "Expectations ruin relationships." And it's true, especially if you have expectations that are unfair. When we first got married, I learned that my husband was not as crazy about Christmas as I was. My Dad always filled our home with music, candy, presents, traditions and a REAL tree at Christmas time, and I fully expected my husband to want to decorate the tree with me, sing Christmas carols and frost the Christmas cookies. He, however, doesn't like Christmas music and just wanted to eat the cookies. I was crushed that first year and can remember crying at least twice over the fact that he didn't enjoy celebrating the way I did. And it wasn't fair to him. Over the years, because of how he has realized what the holiday means to me, he goes with me to choose that Christmas tree with a joyful heart. But Christmas to him is still more about spending the day with family and having a chance to share Jesus with others, and I have come to appreciate the little things he does at Christmas (as well as coming around to his point of view and being less crazy about all the traditions).
Focus on changing yourself, not your husband. Instead of dwelling on what he needs to change, focus on changing your own heart and attitude. This will not be what you feel like doing in the moment, by the way. If he doesn't help around the house, don't complain or pout about it. Ask him about his day and what you can do to help him be able to relax (and remember, don't manipulate. Ask for what you need). If he speaks harshly to you, answer him with a gentle voice. If he makes a financial mistake, don't rub it in. Do your part to spend your money wisely and ask him what he's learned from that mistake. Give him a chance to think through his own actions.
I am not saying that you don't have serious issues in your marriage, or that you husband doesn't need to change some of his behaviors. Every marriage goes through tough times where both people need to change. What I'm saying is to see your marriage as a gift from the Lord, and to remember what Christ has done for you as you relate to your man. Give of yourself for your husband sacrificially. Not because he will do the same for you, but because it glorifies God. Because you deserved death, and Jesus gave you life. Not because you want to get something from him, but because Jesus gave himself for you. Because you, as his wife, are the only one who can. There is no one else in his life like you. No one else comes close to having the honor and responsibility of caring for him the way you do.
Ephesians 5:31-33 - "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
*This article is written with healthy marriages in mind, not abusive ones. If you are being abused, please seek out a trusted friend and counselor for help! *
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